If I am Wanderlust (You are the destinations I seek)
by RavenclawPianist
Summary: Princess Emma and Lieutenant Killian Jones grew up as best friends, and then Killian had to leave for a six year voyage. When he comes back, they have to deal with the feelings they have. It's a good thing he wrote letters to her as proof of how much he loves her, because Emma needs some convincing.


**Author's Note: I do not own OUAT or any of the characters. This was my CS secret valentine to the lovely sleepinginblues who asked for some Lieutenant Duckling. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie!**

He breathed in the salty air and let it out on a sigh. In the distance he could see the harbor approaching and the buildings along the shore slowly getting larger as the ship got closer to land. After being at sea for a long six years, Killian was more than ready to return home. He had missed the variety of people whom could be met on land.

Most of all, Killian had missed his best friend. Princess Emma, his childhood playmate and friend, had haunted his thoughts ever since he left port six years earlier. She had been fifteen to his sixteen, and even then he had been convinced that no woman would ever be more beautiful or interesting than his princess. At the time he had thought his admiration and feelings were nothing more than friendship, but as time passed he realized that his feelings went much deeper. Friends didn't wish they had taken the time to kiss the other before they left for the sea. Friends didn't think about what it would be like to hold the other so close that it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began. Friends didn't grin like idiots every time they thought of each other.

Six years was a long time to think, and Killian had realized he was in love with Emma. He could only hope that, even if she wasn't in love with him yet, she would give him the chance to show her how good they could be together. Leaning against the railing of the ship, he let his mind drift to when they said goodbye before his voyage.

_"__You'd better write," she said, green eyes boring into the back of his head as he threw the last few items into his sack. _

_The corner of his mouth twitched up into a smirk. "I'm not sure how often sailors are able to send letters back to the mainland. There isn't exactly a messenger service out on the sea."_

_She looked away from him when he turned around to face her, choosing instead to toy with the fabric of her dark green skirt. Her blonde curls fell slightly in front of her face, hiding her expression as she spoke. "That doesn't mean you can't write to me. You'll just have to hold on to them and then give them to me when you get back."_

_Killian sat down on the floor beside the trunk she was perched on. "If I don't give you the letters until I return, what's the point? I'll be back, and be able to tell you everything that would have been in those letters."_

_"__If you write me letters, you won't be able to forget about me," she said. He thought he heard the slightest hint of tears in her voice. "If you write to me, you'll remember why you have to come back."_

_"__Emma," he replied, "I'm coming back whether or not I write to you. You can't get rid of me that easily."_

_"__You're coming back here, yes," Emma said. "But that doesn't mean you'll come back to me. You're going out into the world and you'll come back as a sailor and for all I know you won't even want to see your childhood best friend again. You're going to have adventures. Why return to someone boring?"_

_He looked up at her, quirking his eyebrow. "Someone boring? As if being the heir to the realm wasn't enough to make you interesting, weren't you the one who snuck into the stables, took your horse, and somehow managed to convince me to go on a trip for a week without telling anyone? Your parents sent out search parties for us because you forgot to leave a note!"_

_A light blush spread over her cheeks. "They always worry so much," Emma muttered. "But that isn't the point! You're going to leave and grow up into an honorable sailor in the navy, probably make Captain someday, and I'm always just going to be stuck here as the princess."_

_Killian nudged her over to make room for him to sit beside her on the trunk. He sat down and draped an arm around her. "If I ever make Captain, I'll take you on a trip to anywhere you want. We can sail across the sea and go explore an undiscovered land or we can fight sirens or just travel and have adventures. How does that sound?"_

_Emma shook her hair out of her face, green eyes brighter than normal as she tried to hold back tears. "Promise?"_

_He nodded, laying a hand over his heart. "I promise. And you know, I won't need to write letters to remember you. Not a day will go by that I won't think of you, Emma."_

_She looked him in the eye, green eyes and blue eyes meeting and locking. "Good."_

_For a moment Emma leaned into the arm he still had wrapped around her, and then she jumped up and left his rooms without another word. Killian watched her go, already missing his best friend. _

Killian shook his head, moving to his position on the deck as the ship came into port. He tried to stay focused on his job, but his mind kept drifting to when he would see Emma again. Once the ship was docked, he ran to his quarters and grabbed both his trunk and a rucksack that was filled with letters.

KEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Emma stood on the balcony outside her bedroom, looking out at the sea. Absentmindedly she toyed with the ring on her left-hand ring finger, twisting it over and over. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the door to her room open.

"Emma? Are you coming down to the grand hall?" Snow White asked her daughter, walking out to join her. "The returning sailors should be here within the hour."

"I'll be down in a minute," Emma replied. "I just wanted to get some air before I get stuck inside for the rest of the day."

Snow shook her head. "You and your father are too similar. All you want to do is ride around and be outdoors," a little smile lit her face. "Just try to be in the hall before the navy gets here?"

Emma nodded and her mother left. Drumming her fingertips on the stone railing, Emma took in a deep breath. After six years, she would finally see her childhood best friend again. Killian Jones had been her partner-in-crime from the moment they met at the age of three and four, and had been basically inseparable until the day he left for his first voyage as a part of the royal navy. She'd had the biggest crush on him ever since she was ten, loving how he treated her as a person rather than as the heir to the kingdom.

After he left for his voyage, she missed him constantly and had barely left her bedroom for a week. It wasn't until her father came and reminded her that she had a duty to the kingdom as well as herself to be strong and not fall apart just because one person had left her. She pulled herself together and began acting as a princess was expected to again, learning about politics, languages, different cultures, and etiquette at the sides of her parents.

When she was twenty, Emma met a young courier named Graham. He was charming, funny, and ruggedly handsome in a way that vaguely reminded her of Killian. Graham made her laugh and she was really, truly happy in every part of her life for the first time in a long time. When he asked her to marry him, she only hesitated for a second before saying "yes."

She loved Graham, she really did. However, that didn't make it any easier for her to think about seeing Killian again. He had been a huge part of her life for so long and she knew that seeing him would probably bring back more than a few memories. Emma shook her head to clear it and spun to walk out of her rooms and down to the grand hall.

Snow and Charming were already seated on their thrones when she got to the hall. Charming indicated for her to sit down just as the herald announced the arrival of the returning sailors. Emma quickly sat down and arranged the skirts of her pastel green dress around her. She looked up as the sailors began to file into the hall.

It was almost too easy for her to find Killian. He stood just behind his older brother, looking absolutely wonderful in his white and blue naval uniform. His dark brown hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail, and he looked almost exactly like she remembered. Killian had aged well into the man she had always suspected he would become.

As her parents welcomed the sailors back to the realm, Killian glanced over at Emma. Their eyes met, and she felt the slightest blush spread over her face. He just barely winked at her before returning his focus to the King and Queen.

Emma twisted the ring on her finger with her thumb once more, realizing that hand suddenly felt a whole lot heavier than it had moments earlier.

KEKEKEKEKEKE

After sitting through over an hour of speeches given by her parents and the Captain of the royal navy, Emma was finally able to leave the grand hall and slip away to her bedroom to change into the gown she would be wearing for the formal banquet given in honor of the returning sailors. She turned the corner to the royal chambers, only to stop short at the sight of a young sailor leaning against the wall with a rucksack in his hands. A grin spread across Killian's face at the sight of her.

"I was starting to think you might just go straight to the banquet," he commented. "How've you been, Princess?"

Emma couldn't stop herself from forgetting all the etiquette she had learned over the years and ran at him, jumping into his arms that he'd spread out for a hug. She breathed in his scent- the salt of the sea and some kind of spice- as he spun her around in a circle. His arms remained securely around her waist, even when she once again had her feet on the ground.

"I see you still haven't learned to be aloof like most royals," Killian joked. "It's nice to know that some things never change."

Emma punched him lightly in the shoulder and stepped back to look at him more fully. "For your information, I am perfectly capable of acting like a royal when I want to. How did you get the scar?"

Killian shrugged, turning his head slightly to make the thin scar under his right cheekbone. "When you travel with the King's navy for six years, you get a few scars. Tell me what has changed here in the palace."

"Not much," Emma replied. "Six years may have passed, but you never would be able to tell from the palace."

"And with you?" Killian asked. "How have you changed?"

Emma frowned. "I don't think I've changed at all. I've just grown up a bit, is all."

Another grin spread across his face, this one slower and a bit less innocent. "Aye, lass, that you have."

Emma started to walk past him to her rooms. "Can we finish catching up later? I'm supposed to get dressed for the banquet."

Before she could take more than two steps, Killian stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Before I forget, I wanted to give you this," he said, handing her the rucksack. When she quirked her eyebrow in a question, he explained. "1008 letters. I wrote to you three times a week for the entire time I was gone."

"I thought you said you wouldn't need to write to me to remember me," Emma said, doing her best to hide how much it meant to her that he had kept his promise to write.

"I didn't need them to remember you," Killian replied. "But I found that writing the letters helped me to feel like I had a connection to you still. You may not have been on that ship in body, but you were there in my mind constantly."

Emma looked away from his blue eyes, slightly uncomfortable with his honesty and charm. "Well, that is very sweet," she commented, using her left hand to tuck a stray curl behind her ear.

He caught her hand and held it up, looking closely. "What's this?"

"Oh, um, it's a ring. An engagement ring, actually."

Killian dropped her hand and looked her in the eyes. "You're engaged?"

She nodded. "His name is Graham."

"You're engaged and you didn't think that was news worth telling me?" Killian asked.

She frowned at his slightly accusatory tone. "You were gone for six years. Sorry my love life isn't the first think on my mind when I finally see you again."

They both were silent for a moment, and she could feel the distance growing between them. Killian bit his lower lip and nodded. "I'm sure you should be preparing for the banquet. It was good to see you again, princess."

He bowed slightly and walked away. She watched him go, a frown on her face.

KEKEKEKEKEKE

Killian sat at a table with a few other naval officers during the banquet. He couldn't stay focused on their conversations, completely distracted by Emma at the head table. She looked absolutely stunning in a deep purple dress and her golden curls piled messily on her head.

He scanned the head table for her fiancée, but didn't see anyone young enough to be engaged to the princess. When a server came to place the next course, Killian casually asked if the princess's fiancée was attending the banquet. He received a firm negative.

"Lord Graham is visiting Queen Regina's lands with the ambassador's party," the server replied. "He is not expected back until next month."

Killian nodded, pretending to be interested in the food placed before him. He continued to pretend interest in his companions until the end of the banquet. Once the sailors were able to move freely around the room, Killian watched for when Emma would slip away. He followed soon after.

"You always did hate banquets," he called after her in the hallway. She spun and lifted an eyebrow at him.

"I just don't see the point of sitting around and eating with a bunch of people whom you barely know," she replied.

"And where was your intended husband?" Killian asked, continuing to walk towards her until they were less than an arm's distance apart. "Or was he not invited?"

Emma stood up a little straighter, trying to erase a little of the difference in their heights. Killian remembered that habit of hers, recognizing it as her feeling slightly defensive. "Graham is off with the ambassador," she said. "Queen Regina asked for him specifically to be in the party."

Killian lifted an eyebrow, stepping a tiny bit closer to her again. "So he is an important man, this Graham?"

She nodded. "He is."

"Do you love him?"

"Excuse me?" Emma said, shocked.

Killian took another step closer to her, invading her space . "Do you love him?"

"I- I- yes, I love him," Emma stuttered slightly.

"You didn't sound too sure there, lass," Killian murmured. "Are you having some second thoughts about your engagement?"

"I fail to see how that is any of your business, Killian," she replied.

"Well, Emma, you are my best friend," he replied. "And I care very much about you. I would hate to think that you were throwing yourself away on someone that you didn't truly love."

Emma looked away from his eyes. "I am not throwing myself away, as you put it. I care for Graham, and he cares for me."

"Caring isn't the same as loving, lass," Killian said, voice a smooth purr. "And you deserve a man who will truly and passionately love you."

She shook her head. "And I suppose you can tell me where I can find a man who will do that?" Emma asked. "Maybe you found someone for me during your voyage?"

"I didn't have to look very hard to find someone who would love you, Emma," he said, eyes almost too blue. "Actually, I didn't have to look at all."

Her breath caught in her chest, suddenly realizing how close he was to her. "What are you saying?"

He reached out and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "I'm saying, Emma, something that I should have told you long ago. I love you, Emma. I love you so much that it is madness. And maybe you don't love me the way I love you, but I will work every day to win your heart and convince you of the strength of my feelings."

"I'm engaged," Emma said quietly.

A wry smile lit up Killian's face, crinkling the corners of his eyes. "I've always loved a challenge."

She took a step back from him and shook her head. "Killian, what are you doing? I. Am. Engaged. You were gone for six years. You can't just come back and say you love me and that you'll fight for me when there is no fight. I'm engaged to Graham. That's it."

"Emma, love," Killian said, taking another step towards her to close the distance she had put between them. "He may have given you a ring, but I have yet to see any evidence that you have given him your heart. Until I see proof of that, I will fight for your love."

There was nothing she could say to that. Without another word Emma turned and walked to the royal apartments. She could feel Killian's gaze follow her until she turned a corner. He waited a moment before turning and walking in the opposite direction, heading back to the naval barracks.

KEKEKEKEKEKE

She slammed her bedroom door and stormed over to her bed, flopping down onto the piles of soft blankets. Covering her face with her hands, Emma let out a short scream.

How dare Killian return and send her life into an uproar? How dare he say he was in love with her? How dare he say he would win her heart away from Graham? _It's not much of a competition, is it?_ A quiet voice in her mind whispered. She did her best to ignore that. Even if she did still have feelings for Killian, it didn't matter. She was engaged, for goodness sake!

Emma sat up on her bed and reached over the edge for the rucksack she had been given before the banquet. Not letting herself think too much, she reached in and pulled out a letter. Tearing it open, she moved closer to the window to read by the light of the moon.

_Dearest Emma, _

_With a year left of this voyage, I am counting the moments until I can be with you again. I long to hear your laugh and see the sunlight shine on your golden hair. I wish to annoy you until you scowl in that way that somehow just makes you more adorable and I wish to then make you laugh until you can barely catch your breath. I've imagined returning home to you more times than I can count, but I know the reality will be better than anything I could ever come up with in my mind. _

_Yesterday we passed an island here in the middle of the sea. It was covered in trees that were heavy with moss, but there was one little town on the edge of the island. The people were all very friendly, although they do not speak our language. They seemed to think that we were lost, and I believe they were offering us an invitation to stay and make homes on the island. Someday I would like to return to that island with you. We could build a home, and whenever your royal duties become too much for you to take we can run away and live on that island. Maybe someday we could raise a child there on the sand and in the trees. _

_Another year seems like far too long to continue on without you, love. I would give everything I have and everything I am to be with you right now. I promise, I would never leave your side again._

_Always yours,_

_Killian_

Emma closed her eyes and pressed the letter to her heart. A million thoughts swirled through her mind, but she refused to listen to a single one of them. Instead, she reached into the rucksack and took out another letter.

_Lovely Emma,_

_It has been two years to the day since I last saw you, and you walked in my dreams again last night. When I awoke, I could have sworn I still could smell your perfume. I miss you more than I can tell. I miss holding your hand as we run away from the scene of our latest prank, I miss sneaking into the kitchens with you, I miss sitting on the pier and imagining our futures. _

_I never told you, Emma, but I always left out one detail about my imagined future. You were always there, always the most loved person in my world. _

Emma didn't finish that letter, just set it down on her vanity table and tore open a whole stack of the letters, just skimming the words and catching bits of sentences.

_The cut may leave a scar, but I knew the risks of this life._

_My only regret is not kissing you when we said good-bye._

_Beloved, beautiful, exquisite Emma._

_Liam says I may make Captain before I reach twenty-five._

_When I finally see you again and this never-ending voyage is over, I pray you will be able to find it in your heart to love me as I love you._

_After the storm had passed, the sea was the color of your eyes. _

She flipped through the letters faster and faster, barely recognizing the words on the pages. Her thoughts were a roar in her mind, and tears were clouding her vision.

_I think of you constantly._

_These dreams of you are messing with my mind. I wake and find myself reaching out for you. _

_Will you recognize me when I return? Has too much time gone by?_

_I love you, dearest Emma. _

_Emma, I love you._

_I am completely yours._

The tears were pouring down her cheeks in a stream, unchecked. She dropped the letters and sank down to the floor from where she had moved to stand by the window for the light. Pulling her knees to her chest, Emma let her body be wracked with sobs.

Quiet footsteps crossed the room from the door, and a warm body settled beside her on the floor and a hand reached out to rub her back. "Emma, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Snow asked softly. "I could hear you crying from across the hallway."

Emma shook her head and leaned against her mother. "I don't know what to do," she said, voice thick.

"About what?" Snow cooed. "Sweetheart, tell me what is wrong."

"I," Emma gasped out between sobs. "I don't think I want to marry Graham. He's wonderful and I thought I loved him, but I don't. I don't, Mom. I'm not completely sure what love feels like, but I know it isn't what I feel for Graham. What I feel for Graham is nothing compared to what I feel for Killian."

Snow let out a soft sigh. "Your father and I wondered about this. You were so upset when he left, but then Graham seemed to make you happy again and we just wanted you to be happy. We never were sure if you really loved him, at least not how you loved Killian. The engagement was so quick, we weren't sure if you knew what you were doing. We wanted so badly to believe you loved him."

Emma snuggled in closer to her mother. "What do I do?"

Snow continued to rub circles on her daughter's back. "What do you want to do?"

Emma's chin trembled as she tried to hold in another sob. "I want to be with Killian."

Snow nodded calmly, lips just slightly pursed. "Then it should be easy for you to figure out what you should do."

Emma looked up at her mother, tears still in her eyes. "Are you upset with me?"

"Oh, sweetheart," Snow said, wrapping Emma in a hug. "I could never be upset with you, especially when what you are doing you are doing for love. You know your father and I would be deliriously happy if you found your True Love, and if Killian is that for you, there is no way we will stand in your way."

Emma nodded, her tears stopped and her expression firm. "Mom, could I ask for a favor?"

KEKEKEKEKEKE

Killian punched his pillow and rolled over, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. It was useless, he knew, but sleep would be so much better than having to listen to the thoughts running in circles in his mind. He should have kissed her, he should have explained himself better, he should have convinced her to run away with him and damn the consequences and her fiancée.

He lost track of how long he tossed and turned, maybe even managing to doze off before he jerked awake at the sound of tapping on the window beside his bed. Killian rolled out of bed and opened the wooden shutters to see the last person he expected. Emma had changed out of her formal red dress and into a simple gown of some sort of blue fabric, arms covered by sleeves against the night's chill. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, but her face was clear of makeup. She looked more like the girl he had grown up with than the royal heir he'd constantly seen since returning to land.

"Will you come outside for a moment?" she whispered. "I'd like to speak with you."

Killian nodded and closed the shutters before walking across the room to the door that led into the courtyard around which the naval barracks were arranged. Emma had moved to sit on the short wall standing beside the path that led back to the main part of the palace. Her hands were curled into her skirt, crumpling the fabric. Killian recognized it as another nervous habit she'd had when they were younger.

He sat down next to her on the wall, waiting for her to say why she had asked him to leave his rooms so late at night. She continued to play with her skirt, the silence stretching between them. Killian cleared his throat.

"Was there something you wanted to say, your highness?"

Emma looked up at him, green eyes silver in the moonlight. "I read your letters. Well, I read a few of them. I just- why didn't you-" she faltered for a moment, eyes locked on his. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"We were still children," Killian replied. "And I was about to leave for six years. I knew then I loved you, gods, I've known I loved you since I was nine, but I wasn't sure if you loved me. I thought if I came back as a hero after being away at sea for six years, maybe then I'd be worthy of your love." The hint of a sad smile crossed his face. "I didn't even stop to think that you could get engaged during that time."

"You were right, you know," she said quietly.

Killian lifted an eyebrow. "Right about what, lass?"

"I've never really loved Graham," Emma answered. "I thought I did, or maybe I just wanted to, but I'm not in love with him."

"Then why are you marrying him?" Killian asked, tipping his head back to look up at the moon in the clear night sky.

Emma took in a deep breath. "I'm not," she replied. "I told my parents I couldn't go through with it. We already sent a letter to him and I enclosed the ring."

Killian snuck a glance at her left hand. Sure enough, it was bare. "Is that why you're here? To tell me you are not getting married? Emma, what do you want me to say to that?"

She hopped off the wall and stated pacing back and forth in front of him. "I don't know! Tell me I did the right thing in breaking off the engagement and breaking his heart. Tell me that a loveless marriage would not be right. Tell me I'll be happier this way. Tell me that all those things you wrote were true and not just a pretty lie. Tell me you love me," Emma said, pausing directly in front of him.

Killian didn't hesitate. He didn't stop to think or question his action. Pushing himself off the wall, he reached out for her face and pulled her in for a kiss. She leaned into him immediately as he wrapped his arms around her, and her arms found their way to the collar of his shirt, holding him closer. One of his hands tangled in her hair as they pulled apart to breathe, foreheads still pressed together.

"I love you," he murmured, voice husky. "Emma, I love you so much. I will love you until the end of time, if you will let me."

"You'd better love me until the end of time," she responded. "You're stuck with me."

Killian grinned and nudged her nose with his. Emma closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder, still wrapped in his arms. He pressed a kiss against her hair and looked up at the moon, content to just finally be holding his love in his arms.


End file.
